Is healing just admitting you’ve been emotionally full of sh*t?
Note: This is Part 1 of a nine-part series where I document what happens when I dive headfirst into Bibi Brzozka’s Waves of Pleasure program on Mindvalley. This is me. One awkward, messy, surprising session at a time. Learning. Unlearning. Resisting. Surrendering.
There’s nothing more that I love than an “OMG! She just said ‘pussy’ out loud”-type topic. It’s probably why I’m so intrigued with books like Marina Gerner’s The Vagina Business or Laila Mickelwait’s Takedown or articles like Caitlin Moran’s “Honeypot, Flaps, Twat: Nicknaming a Vagina Is Tricky Business” (which unfortunately is no longer on Jezebel).
Nobody told me pleasure would ghost me
When Bibi Brzozka entered Mindvalley’s realm with her Waves of Pleasure program, it was all I could do to not shoot my hand up in the air like Tracy Flick in Election and scream out, “Me! Me! Pick me!”
Granted, I wanted to go through this program for selfish reasons, and those reasons have everything to do with my cancer experience. As any patient or survivor (may Marisa Peer forgive me for using these words!) would know, after you go through rounds and rounds of chemo and/or radiation, some bits and bobs of you just don’t function like they used to.
A woman I know who had breast cancer shared that she no longer felt any desire to have sex with her husband (and in general). Another found it hard to feel aroused. Stories after stories of cancer not only taking away one’s health but also stripping away one’s sexual health.
And did you know that women who’ve had cancer are almost three times more likely to have sexual dysfunction than those who haven’t had cancer? This can look like having less interest in sex, trouble getting aroused, or difficulty reaching orgasm. On top of that, things like anxiety, depression, and feeling uncomfortable in the body can make it even harder.
Because, who are we kidding, cancer absolutely suuucks.
Me, myself, having gone through a Stage 2 cervical cancer experience in 2019, didn’t make me immune to the aftermath of what the 27 rounds of radiation and 4 of chemo did to my body. (I mean, why did no one give me any heads-up about the “sunburn” I’d get “down there” as a result?! Okay, I get it… I’d probably have opted for “nope” if I would’ve known. But still…)
When you tell your body to feel something… and it doesn’t listen
Needless to say, when it came to sex and pleasure, huh… Well, have you ever sat on your leg so long that it goes numb, and even when you try to tell it to move, it just won’t? It’s kind of like that.
And it’s not just me. A lot of women who’ve gone through cancer talk about feeling disconnected from their bodies. Like their femininity and desire. Even their sense of self took a hit.
So imagine my excitement when the Mindvalley Summit 2021 came around and Bibi was one of the speakers. What perked my ears up was her story about a client who had “breast cancer, a double mastectomy, and injection of implants.”
The interesting part is, this client began exploring breast massage benefits on her own and then invited her partner to do it, too. According to Bibi, she ended up getting [pleasure] sensation back.
If she could do it, who’s to say I couldn’t learn something to help out my female counterparts? So yeah, sold! Sign me up, Bibi. Waves of Pleasure, here I come.
Wait… is pleasure blocked by feelings?
Of course, feeling pleasure isn’t going to happen without putting in the work to get pleasure. And that starts with facing my emotions. All of them.
“If you want to feel pleasure, you have to open yourself up to feel more and to feel everything,” says Bibi. Oof, right in the feels (pun intended).
I mean, she makes a good point. Society has taught us, especially us women, not to be dramatic, not to be emotional, not to be angry…
We see this all the time.
Like when Serena Williams smashed her racket and demanded respect at the 2018 US Open, and the world called her “hysterical.”
Or when Kim Kardashian cried over her lost earring in Bora Bora, and the internet turned it into a meme.
Or when Greta Thunberg gave that fierce, tearful “How dare you?” speech at the U.N., and Donald Trump told her to “chill” and work on her anger management.
“The message is that we need to rein in our emotions,” Bibi points out. “And if you feel too much or, worse, express feeling too much, you aren’t taken seriously.”
So we suppress them. So much so that we’re pros at knowing how to control our emotions.
Bibi explains that when we do this, our body becomes rigid. And those stuck emotions? They “prevent us from experiencing pleasure because it doesn’t allow us to be in a feeling state at all.”
Or, as she aptly puts it, emotional constipation.
Emotional constipation is a thing. Apparently.
“Holy sh*t,” I thought to myself. Perhaps that’s what I’m going through. Lately, I’ve had that feeling of wanting to cry, but not a tear wants to be shed. Or sometimes, I feel completely exasperated, but I’m too tired to even throw my hands up in the air and “aaaurgh!” myself to relief.
Emotional constipation. Genius.
…But then, the question is, what do I do about it?
Bibi’s action-of-the-day is something she calls “Emotional Release & Re-Feel.” Essentially, you go through five of the primary emotions (frustration, sadness, anger, fear, happiness, pleasure) and allow yourself to feel them.
Feel. Them.
Feeling the feelings (even when it’s awkward as hell)
Okay, first, let me tell you: I sat through this 22-minute lesson twice.
The first time, I couldn’t do it. I just felt so fake doing it. Like when you do laughter yoga and it just feels so unnatural? That’s how I felt during the exercise.
The second time, I was thinking, “No, I have to try this.” Because Bibi did mention resistance. Specifically, she says, “This might be the best time to do your pleasure practice because it will leave you feeling relaxed and more emotionally at ease.” (Like I said, in the feels.)
So I did it. No gahs, aurghs, or sobs came barging out looking for attention like Tracy Flick. But the feels did come in silent waves of relief.
I honestly don’t know what that was about. Could it be that society’s indoctrination has kept me from expression? Or perhaps I just don’t have those kinds of feelings to express right now? Or is it that I’m just full of sh*t?
“Allow you to recognize emotions as path to pleasure” is what Bibi advises. So I guess the only way to find out is to trust the process and to trudge on through.
But if you’re going through (or have gone through) something similar and you’re exploring your way back to feeling…
I’d love to hear your story. Someone out there might need to hear it too. xo
Next up: The Art of Sensual Embodiment. Time to channel my inner goddess… who’s been on sabbatical since 2019.
